Parenthood
by The-Wicked-Have-More-Fun
Summary: Xemnas decides that the Organization needs to "prepare for life upon the return of their hearts". His idea of preparation is pairing them up into "families" with flour bag "children". Let's just say some people get far too into the week-long project...
1. Xemnas's Plan

**_...I completely blame my Child Development class for the crack I'm not emitting onto this website._**

**_Damn you, Mr. Parillo!_**

**_Organization XIII (c) to Square Enix/Disney._**

**_Don't forget to review!_**

* * *

There were usually only two reasons why Xemnas ever called to order meetings for Organization XIII (and Namine) on a Sunday. The first was to inquire why Kingdom Hearts wasn't completed yet and nag everyone about how they'd been slacking in their missions and that they'd never get their hearts back and they'd never get to truly love or feel emotion again. That rant, though said in a nearly deadpan tone, was always the most disheartening, excuse the pun.

The other reason was to do a roll call to make sure Saix hadn't eaten anyone. Again. Let's just say Axel wasn't the first number Eight, Larxene the first Twelve or Roxas the first Thirteen.

This meeting however, put in a whole other reason no one had ever thought would come into existence. Once all had arrived and were seated in their respective chairs (Namine on Roxas's lap for lack of extra seats. The artist seemed blithely unaware of her friend's slightly flushed face and Axel's sideways glare), the meeting at last began. Xemnas, seated in the highest chair to loom over his subordinates, regarded them with a chilly gaze. When he spoke, his voice was it's usual soft baritone. "It is good to see all of you decided to show yourselves this time." One golden eye strayed to Xigbar, who was slumped slightly in his seat with his hood pulled over his head to hide the fact he was hung over and/or asleep.

For some reason, Xemnas seemed to disregard this and turned his attention back to the others. "I called this meeting to make an announcement of a new project I have been mulling over for some time now. As of late I have come to realize that, once our hearts are returned to us, our Others may go on and find partners whom they will marry. After this they may choose to form what's called," He raised his hand, his fingers pressed into his palm with the index and middle fingers on each hand still rained, and curled them downward as he spoke. The words he used seemed to be unfamiliar to him. "'A family'. This means having children whom they with have to care for and," Again he curled his fingers to quote. "'Love."

A few of the Nobodies exchanged concerned and confused glances. What in the worlds was Xemnas hinting at?

"That being said, I have decided that in preparation for this we all need to practice proper childcare. That being said," Xemnas snapped his fingers and a line of Dusks zoomed, looped and waddled into the room carrying bags of all-purpose flour from the kitchen.

Xaldin made a slightly offended sound of protest. "I was going to make snickerdoodles-!" The Superior raised a hand to silence him.

"All of you will be paired up for the remainder of this week as a 'couple'. You will treat the flour sack as if it were truly your offspring. That means you must feed them, change them, play with them, keep them safe."

"And what, may I ask, do we get out of this?" Luxord asked casually, idly rolling a pair of red dice in his palm.

"In addition to earning parenting skills, the partners who take the greatest care of their flour child will be excused from all chores and mission for a month."

After a brief contemplating silence, Axel suddenly laughed. "Bring on the babies, Superior!" Vexen growled something about flashbacks of Even's traumatic experiences in high school.

"I am glad to see your enthusiasm, number Eight." Xemnas gave the redhead a brisk nod. "All of you will now be matched according to compatibility. Xigbar and Luxord, you both exhibit similar tastes and behaviors." Xigbar snorted in his sleep. "Xaldin and Larxene, you will be matched together." Larxene snarled and cursed softly, not because of her match but simply because she hated children, especially ones that should be used in baking. "Lexaeus and Zexion." The Silent Hero nodded faintly while Zexion slumped in his chair, huffing slightly. "Saix will, of course, be with me." The berserker glanced around, almost daring someone to snicker or make a joke. The room stayed silent. "Eight, you shall be with Thirteen."

"Score!" Axel grinned in triumph. Roxas shot him a skeptical look. The pyromaniac smirked at him. "You're so being the mom, man."

"Now to the matter of Eleven, Four and Nine." The three mentioned straightened in their chairs. Marluxia leaned back with a smug smile, confident that he would be partnered with Vexen. The scientist narrowed his eyes and once again murmured how ridiculous this entire project was. Demyx only squirmed. "Number Four shall be with Demyx."

"What?!" Marluxia almost jumped up from his chair in protest. He would have to, if he didn't know the impending fall would more than likely break his spine. "Superior, why-?!"

"Marluxia, it is impossible not to hear the arguments you and number Four have on a daily basis." Xemnas explained. "Having him with number Nine makes for a much more, if you'll excuse the pun, harmonious match."

"But if he's with that waterlogged musician, who will I be-"

The Superior smiled unnervingly. "That is where Namine comes into play." He turned toward the young girl, who instantly blanched. "Congratulations, my dear, I now pronounce you husband and wife."

* * *

"This is absolutely ridiculous!" Vexen ranted once in the basement. Demyx followed close behind him, cradling the assigned flour bag in his arms. "A complete mockery of parenthood and of us! What in the word does Xemnas think he's doing? I mean REALLY!" He paused in his ranting, turning toward the Nocturne. "Demyx, are you even listening to me?"

Demyx looked up with wide, sparkling aqua eyes. "Can we name her Jessica?"


	2. This Is Going To Be A Long Week

**_I have much too much fun..._**

**_No characters in this story belong to me...except the flour children. _**

* * *

"What the hell has Xemnas been smoking?!" Larxene snarled as she threw another well-aimed dagger at the target board on her wall. Instead of a bulls eye a candid picture of Vexen brushing his teeth had been tacked to the board. It was covered with multiple holes and slashes from the Nymph throwing knives at it. Vexen's face was almost completely gone. She turned sharply and paced across her room, jumping onto her canopied bed with a frustrated growl. "He's making us parents for a week? What the FUCK?!"

Across the room, sunk into an abused beanbag chair, Marluxia drummed his fingers against his thigh. His blue eyes were dark with repressed rage. "That impudent little musician…"

"Like any of us really know to take care of a kid!" Larxene picked up her pillow, encased in a red silk pillowcase and clutches it to her chest, her fingers digging into the feather-filled pillow.

"There must be a way to get Xemnas to switch Vexen for Namine, there _must_ be…"

"I fucking hate kids!"

"Marluxia…?" Both heads jerked toward the doorway of Larxene's spacious room to see Namine peeking inside meekly, the flour bag she'd been assigned clutched to her chest protectively.

The Graceful Assassin stared at her blankly, causing the artist to back away slightly into the hallway. "What is it, Namine?"

"I-I've been looking for you." She stammered, clearly terrified to be in the same room alone with the two people who regularly tortured her. "I thought we should come up with some kind of schedule so we can take care of Daisy-"

His gaze remained blank, which served to disturb Namine even further. "And why would we do that, Namine? It's nature's way for the mother to care for the children."

Namine frowned, drawing in a deep breath. "If that's true then why is Xaldin carrying around his and Larxene's flour bag?" Larxene cackled and got up from her bed, walking over to the younger girl with a wicked smile.

"Because," She took Namine's chin between her fingers and forcibly shook her head slightly. "Xaldin is so the mom. Now scram!" Her arm jerked suddenly, sending Namine sprawling into the hallway with a startled cry. The door slammed shut behind her. "Great, now I forgot what I was going." She looked at Marluxia with a scowl. "you wanna just pop in _Titanic_ and laugh when Jack drowns?"

Marluxia smiled at her. "You always know how to brighten up an otherwise gloomy day, Larxene."

* * *

"We are not naming it Roxel!"

"Aw, why not? It's a good name!"

"Because it sounds stupid. I said you could name this thing, but that's going way to far."

"Pfft, fine. Be that way. What about-"

"We're not naming it Axel Jr. either."

"Damnit!"

"Why not come up with a normal name? Like, I dunno, Phil."

"_Phil_? You want to name out kid _Phil_?"

"What's wrong with Phil?"

"Nothing if you're a middle-aged, balding psychiatrist/talk show host. Hey, how about Blaze?"

"Blaze, huh? That's actually pretty cool."

"Great! I'll go get Namine's markers so we can customize him!"

"Wait…'customize him'?"

* * *

Reclining on the couch, with their flour bag newly dubbed 'Morgan' seated between them, Luxord and Xigbar toasted their new addition with the rum Luxord kept in the back of the refrigerator for special occasions. Very soon after they were raving drunk and horny. Morgan's drawn-on-in-blue-magic-marker eyes lost their innocence in record time.

* * *

"Saix, I am entrusting you in charge of our wards for the afternoon." Xemnas turned away from his right-hand-man and started out of the Living Room That Should Never Be. "When we all convene for supper I do expect all six of them to be there."

"Seven, sir."

"Pardon?"

Saix looked up at the Superior, his expression blank. "We have seven to take care of, Superior."

"Are you quite sure? I could have sworn it was six…well, no matter. I have a lot of work to do." He left, leaving the Luna Diviner alone with their seven "children" all lined up on the couch. Saix eyed the smallest bag, reaching across three others to pick it up. The kitchen had run low on the large flour bags, so Saix and Xemnas had been forced to settle for having a mini bag as a child.

Slowly, a toothy grin crossed his scarred face. "Xemnas _did_ say we only had six…"

_This is so absurd._ Zexion scowled as he flipped another page of the fairy tale book he'd been reading. _What in the worlds do they mean by 'the princess was as beautiful as the day was long'? What kind of day? Winter days are notoriously short and summer days are humid and uncomfortable._

"Have fun, Zexion?" Lexaeus's amused voice boomed from above him. The schemer turned around to give him a deadpan look.

"Of course. Being forced to read through improbable, foolish fairy tales is perfect entertainment for me when I should be working." He slammed the book shut and glared at the flour bag sitting under his reading lamp. "Do you have any ideas what we can call it?"

The gentle giant rested a hand on Zexion's shoulder, leaning forward to stare intently at the flour child. "I was thinking perhaps Alden."

The bibliophile turned around and arched an eyebrow at his friend. "Aldan?"

"Alden." Lexaeus corrected. "Al-den."

With a sigh, Zexion shrugged. "You're the mother, name it what you want."

"Him." Lexaeus corrected again. He quickly quieted when he received another deadpan look from his partner.

* * *

"Hey, Dad…" Vexen looked up from his paperwork to give Repliku a wary look.

"What is it, Repliku?"

The silver-haired clone shifted on his feet, his eyes clearly anxious as he spoke up. "Demyx says that the flour bag is my baby sister and that I'm a big brother now. Is that true?"

Vexen fought the urge to pound his head against a book.

Repliku continued. "The baby Demyx has is a flour bag in a diaper. But I thought only girls could have babies. Does this mean Demyx is really a girl? Does this mean you're not gay?" The scientist gave his experiment a shocked look, which Repliku didn't seem to notice. "And does this mean all babies start out as bags of flour?" He paused as a horrible thought struck him. "Am I going to have to share my room?!"

His eye twitching slightly, Vexen drew in a deep breath in an attempt to calm himself. "Repliku…I believe its time we had a little talk…"


End file.
